Having Your Cake (and eating it too)

I think the reason a lot of people get the “trapped” or “stuck” feeling, is because they’ve limited themselves to only a one or two options for their lives, when in actuality there is –get this- a WHOLE WORLD of options to choose from, and the great thing about being human is that we can have it all if we plan well, and realize we deserve to use all the tools in front of us to get there. I’ve been holding myself hostage with the “cannots” and “shouldn’ts” and the “don’t know hows” way too long. I’m sure there are many more of you out there like myself, setting limitations on your potentials and possibilities. We’ve let fear and doubt creep in and take over, the fear of the unknown, and the doubting of your own abilities.

I’ve struggled my whole life to fit into a “norm”, and after all the years of trying, and failing I’d started thinking that there were a whole bunch of things wrong with me, and my reason for being put on this earth may have been a mistake. But there are no mistakes in a world so miraculous, whether you believe in God, or just that there is a power that be, just a great energy that is causing the world to form, there IS a purpose for every being, and every idea, from the teeny tiny bugs crawling around, to the ginormous sky mountains that scatter the earth. Living breathing creatures, to the concrete jungles there is a reason for it all. We don’t know what the future holds; some make predictions based on scientific facts, past performances, or whatever the astrologists say in our horoscopes. Whatever you believe in, it is our each individual belief that will carry us to the unimaginable and to the not yet designed future that awaits us.

Take me for example.

I have made mistake after mistake my entire life. When I didn’t think I’d screwed something up bad enough, I always had to make sure I obliterated it. High school, careers, love lives, social lives, Hell; I even managed to screw up my being alone by badgering my mind with depression and anxiety for not being able to cope or manage my own life. But I learned to seek out professional help, and as we talked through my issues, and we stretched out all the materials and fabrics, I began to see that the flaws were not necessarily a bad thing, but maybe rather character. I had been imprinting myself with my own signature and didn’t realize it and eventually all the analyzing lead not to my breaking down, but to my breaking through.

I woke up one morning, late February really early, (pre- 8 am!!) which is highly unusual for me being that I like to sleep into mid-morning/mid-day with a realization. I’d been so down lately, and feeling the most “stuck-in-a-rut” than I’ve ever felt before because my personal living situation had become almost volatile. My friend (and roommate) and I had spent a beautiful warm day fighting practically the entire day, both finally getting on each other’s last nerves, (it’s hard to live with people and not have blowups once in a while, especially when you both find yourselves stuck in your own ruts) and it was tearing our friendship apart. We were both great people, with flaws that neither one could get passed. It was hard on both ends, but we chose to agree to keep fighting to make things work. For one, because we both deserved it, and because two, we’d put in all the time thus far, it would be a shame to throw in the towel- ever. I went to bed with a feeling of misery and feeling like I would never find happiness and felt devastated. But I woke up in the morning with a realization that I was just lost, and that I had limited myself way too much and it lead me to think, (in a Carrie Bradshaw fashion) maybe the reason I (and countless others across this great earth) feel stuck is because we don’t allow ourselves to see “BIG PICTURE”. We are all looking at photographs when we should be building 3D scaled to size replicas. I was born and raised in a small town in Ontario, Canada until I was 17/18. When I was young, my family and I would drive to the city to go to the malls for shopping a couple of times a year, and as I grew up, I knew that one day I wanted to live in it because it was so different than I was used to. In just one building it seemed as if there were more people than there was in my entire town. (Kids think the darnedest things!) But then when I grew up, and moved there and it wasn’t as glamorous as I had dreamed. Mind you, I hadn’t really made good decisions beforehand- I dropped out of high school when it became too hard to balance the work with the social. I became depressive in high school and had tried to end my life because I knew I was different and had a really hard time fitting in. When I came back to school after my attempt, the whole school seemed to know about what I’d done. I don’t know if they really did know, or if it was just my miscued perception of judgment because I myself felt guilty, but I ended up just leaving with the reason that if I wasn’t happy there, it was my surroundings and that I needed a change to find my happiness. So I moved around a few places because my family didn’t think I was ready for the city- which is where I craved to be and felt I’d be the happiest. The city to me represented acceptance and change. I mean after all, if all those hundred-thousands of people could live in one condensed area acceptance would seem true- right? Well, as it turned out no, a city is still just a town with bigger buildings and more chaos. So I was unhappy in both the country and the city, so where would I belong? In a self-built shack somewhere in the woods, off the grid where no one knew I existed? That seemed my only other option. But THAT isn’t what I want either. As much as I hated them at time, I needed people. We all do. We can live on our own, but we survive together. I moved back to the country to regroup because that’s what it seems a person does from time to time when they strike out and for the record it does actually help- at least in my case. It was during this time that I discovered all of the possibilities I hadn’t let myself consider. That morning (that I keep attempting to speak of but then detour around) I realized I can have both; the country and the city. But if you’re going to think about city living, there is only one city I desired to live in. New York, specifically Manhattan (I know I know, I’m a cliché!). I’d visited it a couple of times when I was in high school, and we’d travel with the Visual and Dramatic Arts departments of the school. I loved it; it was everything the movies painted it to be. And I even got lost during both times I went, and found I could function better on my own, 13 hours away from home than I could in the city an hour from home. I know, I got lucky, my experience could have been so much worse. But good or bad experiences are going to happen, it’s a fact of life, you still have to remember to LIVE your life and to make choices that may put you in harm’s way for a brief period to get to where you need to be. Many throngs of people have undergone hardships to get to a place they feel comfortable living. We all have in our own rights. So that was the moment I decided I wanted to live in New York. But then I felt I would miss the country I grew up in, literally if I chose to move across the border. I would miss being able to call myself Canadian, and go home and see my family and friends.

But I don’t have to. I can have both.

I can get a work visa which would allow me to live in New York, get a place there where I can call home, and keep my home in Canada and then switch it up every 6 months or whenever works. Winters in Ontario Canada, Summers in New York, USA one year, then the next switch. That was just the kind of “out-of-my-box” thinking I needed to kick my butt into the final gear I had been trying to hit and fly into my destined place in this world!


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