All of my life, I have known to some degree what I was born to do with my life. I remember when I was in kindergarten, according to my Jr. and Sr. years said I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. That was because I loved my teachers, and I liked learning from them. Since then, I’ve realized it wasn’t so much that I wanted to be a school teacher, but rather a teacher of life. There is a certain part of being a teacher that I’ve always wanted; the part where you help to guide others on their paths in life. Help them figure out who they are, mostly because up until recently I was still searching for the same answers about myself.
There are many things I’ve wanted to do in my life, career-wise. I’ve wanted to be a singer, a writer, an actor, a musician, a model, a fashion designer, a journalist, a photographer, an artist, an interior designer, an architect. I’ve wanted to be a life coach, therapist, philosopher, paleontologist, archaeologist. All of the things I’ve wanted to do seem so different when you hear them, but they all share one common bond in my mind. I love learning, and I love creating, and I love discovering things, and most of all, I want to do something that communicates and speaks to others, that helps them find beauty and peace in the world around them.
But I’ve made so many excuses for why these things wouldn’t be right for me. Such as, I’m a high school drop out, I live on disability assistance, I have ADHD, I suffer with anxiety and depression, I’m weak, I’m too fat, I’m too short, I’m scared, I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, strong enough, etc. All of these things seem pretty real, and carved in stone some days, but these are all just excuses I’ve put in place to “protect” me from stepping outside of my comfort zone and could get me hurt. But, the problem is, my “comfort zone” is not at all comforting. It’s like I’ve locked my self in a glass-walled box. The ceiling, the floor and all four walls surround and encase me. I can see all the world around me in every direction. All the dreams and goals I have ever had are within sight, but I cannot reach them because there is a glass barrier between us. And all that does, is show me that they are possible, but because I’ve spent a lifetime building up this box, the glass has become so thick, that it seems impenetrable.
But this past year, I’ve made some remarkable progress in breaking through, I’ve managed to create a hole big enough for me to reach my arm through, and touch my dreams, and that touch is so powerful while its connected to me that it helps eat away the glass remaining. But when the touch is broken for whatever reason, the glass stops eroding. I get filled with so much hope, and so much desire for more, that after spending all these years wallowing in my own defeat and misery of not giving my dreams light, I can’t bear it anymore and retreat back to my safety box. But I am not going to let myself stay cooped up, each day I will learn to stop making my excuses for why I can’t, and start making steps towards the reasons why I can because I deserve it. I have waited long enough, and I don’t want to waste any more of my life wondering if it could be, when I can spend the rest of my days knowing that it most certainly can be done, with work. Hard work, maybe not so much in the way of slugging heavy equipment in the hot sun all day kind of work, but more hard work on my own mindset. I have to find the way of cracking through my limitations, and my excuses, and my fear and just give myself the permission to be selfish, to be brave, to be adventurous. Permission to be okay with going a different way, one that I may fashion myself that no one else has yet to go. Permission to seek help from those who are in a higher position of knowledge or experience in the business I seek to one day be a part of. People are not perfect, and since I am in that category, it stands to reason that I am not perfect either. But I deserve to give myself my best chances in life, and to go where I need to to make myself happy.
The way I look at it, I just turned 30 years old. And while many tell me that 30 is still young, they are right, but to some degree they are also wrong. Who knows when my time card gets stamped, and I am moved on to a different, possibly higher place. I hope that if my family tree gives me any idea of length, my mother is about to be 70 but battles cancer, my grandmother is 95 and still alive, (her mind has moved on, but her body remains), and my great grandmothers lived into their 90’s. So if I follow the train, I have potentially between 40 and 60 years left, and I don’t want to waste a moment filling that time. I want to look back and know I took every opportunity to give myself everything I ever wanted in my life.
And what I want, is to be great. To be great at living my life. The way I designed. I of course care about what others think, and I’m not going to pretend that I don’t, or lecture myself on whether it’s right or wrong, but just accept that I do. However, I’m going to stop caring MORE about their opinions than my own. At the end of my days, it will have been MY life I lived, so why not put my excuses aside, and be the reason I was meant to be born as Jackilyn Janet Hastings (J.J. , Jacki, Jada etc) Day. There is no one else out there like me, which means that already I’m off to a pretty unique start. I am going to continue to see my dreams come true, and finally break out of my glass coffin I’ve imprisoned myself inside and live my life to its fullest!
No more excuses needed.